Reynerio also asked about Uncle Sek Yee. I told him he & his wife are in China for six weeks, having prayed over it now that their youngest is in college. Reyno asked me to say hey for him, & be sure to update him on USY every year I come back.
can i go home?
can i go home and sit in the dirt with my children and let humberto take pictures with my camera and carry maria everywhere until my limbs give out but her wrenching eyes ask for more?
can i go home and work beside reyno and faustino and más tar every roof we put up and take 10x longer than he does to pound in nails?
can i go home and help rosie express her gratitude to the american teams when the language barrier simply contributes to her natural shyness?
can i go home and walk up to a counter to order tacos de asada con poquito de picante para llevar and bring them back to eat while chuito serenades us with praise songs?
can i–
can i go home?
can i go home and commiserate with tamasa over her family and ask about little neri and tell her about all the sibling pairs that have come with my team?
can i go home and share forever with reynerio stories of life and God and glory and the people and places and things we’ve known? can’t i be lifted up, both physically and spiritually/emotionally, every time i see him every day?
can i go home and live in the tongue that sounds not from my motherland, but from my heartland?
can’t i? might i? i will, though, one day, won’t i?
en el cielo está preparándonos un hogar eterno.
until then, may my mind hold fast against the lies that here is less, that i am lacking, that this small time and place will last in languishing–and may it hold fast to the stories and prayers and lives that cradle pieces of my scattered heart.
until then, may my heart be daily stretched the hundreds of miles to my home church and REACh family, on southward to Maneadero and the houses and communities that mine own hands have hammered and sanded love into.
until then, may my hands be daily blessed with the strength love support my life has known, entwined with so simply so many.
until then, may my life be His light to whomever wherever whatever He gives me.
but until then,
until then, i know, i will still ask:
can i go home, Daddy?
can i go home and have tamasa’s tamales?
I’ve caught something. Yesterday suddenly after dinner I got the pain in the back of my throat that usually means a sore throat soon. And sure enough, I knocked out way early last night and woke up this morning with said sore throat.
Normally my immune system can handle anything you throw at it, but it’s also that periodic time where I am a little weaker, and the mosquitos probably wear my body down even more.
I hate being in business while traveling, especially at camps/retreats & México trips. Hate it. This has long been a moot point of contention, but still–why, God? Why.
I didn’t write an update reflection yesterday morning because Reyno (Pastor Reynerio) came upstairs to check in with me & we just talked. That man–that pillar of faith & rock of God–has been a personal hero & friend of mine since 2007. I have learned so much from him, been counseled & uplifted in so many ways. It never fails to gladden my heart to see him.
He wants to come to my graduation in May.
Tinho Skyped me last year the day the mission team arrived when he saw Reyno so we could talk, & he said he’d be in LA in January. I told him just to say when & I would see him if I too was in socal then. It never happened, & it turns out that he had extra difficulty getting a visa due to his prior convictions in drugs & arms smuggling. He did get a 3-day permit to be in San Diego, where he talked to a judge about his case. He’s sent multiple letters to the necessary authorities about this, & plans to send another to Washington presenting his case for a pardon. I told him if he needs anyone to testify to his new character & ministerial work I would gladly do it.
In any event, he couldn’t manage his visiting trip to LA, but he said that he expects he should be able to get his papers in order this year, especially that by May it should be alright. He wants to come to my graduation.
We talked also about Cuba, where he has friends who have to meet secretly in mountain caves to worship. They smuggled in Bibles once, in crates with beans & rice & oil covering the prohibited goods. Most of them passed inspection, but one was particularly large, & the border guards found the Bibles underneath. They then asked, “what can we do for you such that you will let us pass?”
“leave us a crate of oil & of rice,” they replied.
So the smugglers gladly did–a small price, to them, in exchange for having the precious Palabra de Dios.
He mentioned also a missionary friend he has here, from North Korea, where he used to have to walk six hours one-way every day to pray in secret.
This came after I mentioned that I had yet to be hired for next year, & if I don’t have work then, I would like to take some time off, either here in Maneadero (this he immediately endorsed) or back in Hong Kong. So he asked me how is Hong Kong, & the church situation there and in China. I told him Hong Kong was full of churches, but in China proper they are much stricter.
Tinho came upstairs partway through our talk & afterward I briefed him on it. He said it would also be worthwhile (maybe more worthwhile) to write to Sacramento as well, since the governor can also issue a pardon, assuming his crimes were in California.
I can’t imagine Reyno at my graduation. In the crowd as I walk across the Greek Theatre stage with the College of Engineering Class of 2013. I would, of course, have Tinho find & sit with him. And they would cheer together for me, my brother and my father and my pastor de México–three of the dearest men in my life.
Ojalá que sí, pueda pasar eso. Por la gracia y el poder de Dios.
I slept outside on the benches of the balcony last night (Wednesday night), because that puppy Bela has adopted me & my sarape. I wanted to stretch out my stiff muscles before bed, so brought my bankie out to the balcony. The moment I laid it out, she promptly plopped herself onto the far end & knocked out shortly. After everyone went inside to bed, though, I didn’t have the heart to kick her off her adopted doggy bed; instead, I sprayed myself & my sleeping bag with bug spray, dragged my sarape & its sleeping pup pup over to the bench, & spent the night on 8-inch-wide boards.
I’ve had worse nights, though (Firenze–>Venezia), & honestly if I went back I’d probably do it again. She smells, & she scratches herself suspiciously, & she does what she wants, wandering out with us at will, but something about the trust and affinity this dumb dog shows me has got a little piece of my bleeding heart. So I bought extra sarapes today such that I could have mine to myself again. Kind of. She still sits on mine whenever some edge of it touches the ground.
I brought one of my new blankets to campfire tonight, & she spent most of the time contentedly curled up on it by the bench. How this dog has daily touched me, I cannot yet even put into words. How uncomplicated is her abandon in places of safety! How simple and steadfast her faith in her providers! How unlike me, this created creature that we would immediately look down upon!
How unlike me.
And the things that I would do for this puppy… I hadn’t intended to buy anything at the Bufadora today, but my dead-broke self dropped some pretty pennies for blankets for her to curl up on. I spent the night outside in the mosquito-infested Mexican night, balanced on a bench narrower than my body, keeping her, well at home on my sarape, company. What is love–what love is this?
And o how love propels. How love propels both man and beast–
and how love propels my Father God.
I think I have exhausted what I can as yet express that just knowing and loving this dog has taught me. Good night.
God gave me this, from “The Love of God”:
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.
It’s only Tuesday? Feels like a week has gone by.
Except if a week HAD gone by I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I guess if I think about it, this week, situated immediately before Welcome Week, is kinda my Vision Retreat this year.
(I’ve got a lot to catch up on, but I’ll just keep you current & go back to Sunday when I can.)
Yesterday we started working on Fernando’s house, in upper Durango. Where we park right across from his lot overlooks the part of Durango I know, with the two-story orange church in one corner & the green-roofed yellow house I helped build in ’08 in the other, farthest corner. I wonder every day how that house’s family is doing. If the kids are still forbidden to go to church.
Workday started off rather slowly. We had problems squaring the wall outlines, but by noon we had two walls framed & up. Doesn’t seem like much progress, really. Like we coulda woulda shoulda had more done–preferably all four walls on the first day. It’s been a long time since I slammed framing nails into 2x4s & both Tinho & I got a blister on our right index fingers.
I struggled a little yesterday with gender-related issues. I came downstairs to leave in a brown cutoff top, one of those athletic numbers that’s basically a sleeveless t-shirt, & PT approached me:
“do you have a t-shirt? They don’t want tank tops on the work site.”
I’d just seen PMo walk by in a tee with its sleeves cut off, & as confused-me had this very unexpected talk with PT Kevin cam done the stairs in a cutoff as well. I pointed (indignantly, I’ll admit) at him, & he said, “oh yeah, I had to change out of a tank into this.”
I protested that if I had to change, he had to change too because our tops were basically the same cut, but it was only after Ashley spoke up behind me to say that what I had on wasn’t a tank top that I was allowed to keep on keeping on.
Later, at worksite, at one point I started helping Pastor Mo & Joseph lay out 2x4s for the stud-cutting team. I was handling the 2x4x10’s just fine, when Kevin looked up from measuring & said, “oh. Kawai. Why are you doing that–the boys should be doing it.”
I replied, “are you serious??”
“I mean. There are splinters.”
“I’ve been doing this longer than they have. I’ll be fine.”
Tinho chimed in with “actually there aren’t as many splinters as you think”
Being repeatedly reminded that there is, for some social, cultural, or subconscious reason, a different standard constantly applied to me is, at times, quite trying–it can be tiring and discouraging and demeaning.
More later I suppose. I never have enough time in these mornings.
I took some time last night to mini-process some stuff that’s run through my head these past few days via Twitter:
It’s nearly 0830 already on Monday & usually I like to be up early in México to gather & debrief myself before the day begins. Before the rush & bustle pushes the beauty of serenity and the wonder of God’s work from mind.
We’re leaving for Day One onsite at 0900. I’m running a little late.
Last night I woke up around 0330 with stomach/intestinal pains & cold, clammy skin–something I never recall happening here before. I spent a good chunk of time thereafter on the toilet… I’m a little scared, frankly, to go down for breakfast today because of this. But not eating in the context of construction labor followed by rambunctious children is probably not a good idea.
In reflecting a bit on my yesterday, certainly a theme was that God works beyond my speech, beyond what I say. That my God is bigger than mis faltas–my faults & lacks & failings. That I am imperfect and inadequate, but that’s why His glory is shown.
I have two instances to illustrate, but I should get up & get dressed first. Maybe full story later.
Last night was one of those nice nights, though: the ones where friends (to any varying degree of closeness) sit & talk and the conversation was real. Bryan & I traded scarring experiences while Kevin’s question about Jon’s major led to a testimonial…. And to end the night I told them why I have three brothers in socal, but only one by blood.
I love those kindsa nights.
here’s the massive email i just sent a ton of people i love:
hello, IV + EBAC + REACh + everyone family,
i should have told you all sooner, but i think a very very large part of me couldn’t quite believe it nor could really decide what it meant to me & my walk, but
in about 5 hours i will be leaving Alta California for Baja, as a part of my home church’s annual one-week summer Short-Term Mission (STM) to Maneadero, just south of Ensenada.
this will be my 5th time as a member of this mission team. my first year was 2007, & i missed/skipped last year’s due to accepting a conflicting internship in the Bay. (feel free to ask me anytime about my huge huge struggle last year with the hardest decision of my life! be forewarned i may tear up on you, but it is a lasting pillar in my walk with Christ.)
what will we be doing?
there will be some sort of construction project (no idea what it will be specifically this year, but in years past we have built & expanded outhouses, homes, & churches), where we’ll work in the mornings,
and a Vacation Bible School (VBS) -like section in the afternoon. the VBS will consist of some children’s songs (remember Father Abraham? I’m In The Lord’s Army?) followed by a skit/presentation. this year’s is on the Wordless Book. we’ll explain the pages & then use a skit illustration with scenes from Jesus’ life. it will be entirely in Spanish, which is a markedly different experience than having everything interpreted throughout, as some other teams have to do.
prayer ministry with households and/or families may also take place, and we will have the opportunity at least once this week to worship with one of the churches we’ll be supporting.
what program is this with?
my denomination, the Christian & Missionary Alliance, has a short-term mission center based in Maneadero/Ensenada called The Ensenada Project. we work with local churches and pastors (the number expands every year, God bless them all.) to support their communities and ministries. this purpose has shifted over the years from a more let’s-do-this-for-you mentality (which left said ministries struggling during the non-peak seasons) to a come-alongside privilege of sorts. the dual purpose of this mission center is also to provide a jump-off point (for young people especially) to enter into a life of missions, perhaps even a career in missions, in a small, immediate way as well as introduce missions and Mexico and a small part of our denomination outside of the USA. though not a Stateside mega-denomination, the C&MA is a very active presence overseas.
how long will it be?
we leave Saturday August 11 at 9:45am from the OC, afternoon from San Diego to arrive in the late afternoon/evening there. we will be departing the mission center next Saturday morning, August 18 at crackadawn early & probably lunch in SD before coming home.
why am i going?
this trip, and these churches, children, and pastors in particular, is very near and dear to my heart. i fell in love on my first trip (with all of it–the food, the language, the people, the work, the Lord, the love, the camaraderie, the pastors, the children–not some boy), and have just been continually head-over-heels for it since. i have grown immensely from each of my trips there, and learned so so much about myself, my life, my God, my choices, as well as His heart, His love, His courage and perseverance. through this trip, God has challenged and provoked and humbled and uplifted and fortified and chastised me in myriad ways. (see my México blog for some bits from 2010.) even when i didn’t go (last year), God used this trip and this place to again teach me about His supremacy and timing, and about my faith and trust in Him (or lack thereof).
so i am pretty much beside myself to be going back. and i’m hoping that the decision was made in good faith rather than out of immature selfishness. i almost always have this conflict or something similar when deciding to go back to mexico.
who’s going?
the REACh team will be comprised of ~20 people from two churches. for those of you who don’t know or don’t remember, REACh is a regional cohort, if you will, of Chinese churches, mostly C&MA, whose youth come together several times a year for retreat & worship/fellowship–and this missions trip, which also involves non-youth-people yearly. our two English pastors are going: from New Life (NLCAC), Pastor Mo, and from San Gabriel Valley (SGVAC), Pastor Theo. i personally love the opportunity REACh provides to connect with peers and leaders across the area; some of my very best friends are from REACh–we live miles apart & never went to school/church together, but–yeah. they’re some of my bestest best.
what will i specifically be doing?
aka what is my role here i guess:i am a longtime returner to this trip, but (from what i hear) most of our team are returning from last year or completely new to Ensenada–so i haven’t worked with them before, except my brothers from my own church. although flagging, my Spanish foundations are still holding my skills up, & i will more than likely be leading portions of the VBS every day. this may include narrating. there has also been a change of leadership at the mission center, but i expect the pastors will still recognize that i can be helpful in translingual communication. Ricardo in particular likes to rope me in to interpret for his wife Rosie.
why am i telling y’all alla this?
because, as the years have come and gone, and the tides of my life have turned, you have in some way, shape, or form or other, been there–beside or before me. so i welcome you into this very precious part of me and my life.
so what now?
pray pray pray pray! for me, for my team, for the pastors, for the ministry, for safety, for health, for the construction work, for growth, for learning, for listening, for peace, for flexibility, for communication and understanding, for the communities, for the children, for the VBS…
and i will be posting (the goal is daily) to my aforementioned México blog: https://corazoncompleto.wordpress.com/
finally, if you have a heart for it, my personal costs for this trip will be $150 after our group fundraising & home church’s allocated support. the Lord will provide, as always, but in context i am slightly financially destitute from my summer expenditures, so if you feel led to monetarily contribute, thank you. i’ll probably fund it myself for now, so contact me & we can work it out.
also, just fyi i’ll be back in the Bay Sunday night, August 19. catch most of y’all then!
(more btwfyi i was in Europe for 6.5 weeks this summer that–besides mexico–is also fair game to grill me on when you see me next.)aaaaaaaand tell me how you are! how you’ve been! what you’ve done & learned this summer/season of your life! kawai wants to knowwwwwwww
love you all, & muchísimas gracias.
i meant to write a short exclamatory post two months ago when i told my pastor (Pastor Mo) that yes, i would like to go to México this year, and–though i couldn’t attend a single meeting or training–do you think i could?
so i am. i’m going. we leave in less than 5 hours.
first stop: San Diego, where we’ll have our Last Supper (lunch) at In-N-Out (fine, fine choice. i am of the opinion that all retreats & STMs should end with In-N-Out.), meet the mission center leaders & any other teams serving with us, then troop south of the border.
meaning sometime within the next 16 hours i’ll be home again.
not that you would be able to tell, but i’m tearing up even as i write this and i think about homecoming after two years.
i’m writing my IV’13, CCF, freshman year Kairos, REACh, EBAC, & apartment family an email update/prayer request about this right now. i’ll post it when i’m done.
but for now, here’s that line i never dropped in June saying hey!– i’m going home.
Corazón Completo 